Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
