is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
