She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
