My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
