at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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