Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
