omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
