I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
