My friends, they love my intelligence
it hurts more in the daytime
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
FUCK WHALES
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
