I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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