alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
