I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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