I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
