how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
