Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
