Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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