Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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