if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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