WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
