Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
