mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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