scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
