Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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