she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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