The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
