the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
