Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
