very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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