So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
