I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
