Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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