I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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