Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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