I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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