that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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