You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
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Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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