i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
