I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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