When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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