i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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