I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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