I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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