we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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