Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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