shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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