is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think my moral compass just broke
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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