I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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