In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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