sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
