Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
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i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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