What did we do last night that was yellow?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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