I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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