Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
