just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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