I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
