Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
