got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
